2023

 

2023

Maybe I’m healing but I never forget how this year broke me.

 

 

2023.., You damn 2023. How can I forget you? You were the worst and craziest at the same time. Seriously you were roller-coaster of everything. 

I have done a lot of things this year. And I will always remember it. I didn't think twice before taking any decision. I just took the risk and left everything to fate. Eventually, I overcame my fear. Yes, it took a while but now I know what's important to me. This year I took two trips. My cousin sister got married for which I had dreamed since childhood. I quit my last job I never thought I could quit; But I started my journey all over again. I made new friends and explore a lot of things.  Finally letting go of the past and focusing on new things. Perhaps I took some decisions hastily, but maybe those decisions were very important to take. Eventually, I graduated. I Got away from people who weren't good for my mental health. I no longer care about people who weren't there for me when I needed them and in fact, I'm happy without them.

 

Although my schedule is still very busy and I don't get much time but still I feel that I am getting myself back. Yes, I have seen myself growing and healing. And I don't care if someone isn't proud of me. Because I know what I've been through. And I feel very proud that despite all this, I handled myself very well. Every month of this year is surprising. I experience more than I expected.

But besides this all happiness or growth or craziness or all the little and big moment I enjoyed. I lost even more than that. Yes, beginning of this year was worst because I lost one of my friend whom I never want to lose. Sometimes I still wish I could have met him one last time. I never thought I would miss him so much. It's been a year since I last saw him. He is probably watching me somewhere from heaven and feeling proud of me how I am becoming a better person day by day. But it feels like a part of me is really gone. I feel that I have changed a lot and perhaps circumstances have also changed me. Sometimes it feels like yes, I've finally done it, but I don't have anyone to share with, or maybe I just don't want to share with anyone.

 

 

2023 taught me a lot of things like life is very unpredictable so do whatever you want. Don't waste your time wondering what's going to happen next. No one knows, dude. But we are all running nowhere. Yes, I am very grateful for my life which I was cursing till last year, which I did not want to live. What I feel most is that I support and value the people who were important to me. I did a lot for them. But in the end, I realized that not every person I know is my friend because I am the type of person who gives hundred percent in every bond. But most of them make me feel like I am better to be alone. Over the years I have lost a lot of bonds and relations, some by mistake, some on purpose and some by accident. And perhaps some situations in my life were so complex that I was not mentally prepared to handle all those messes and myself. I know I wasn't a good friend to everyone. But there were some relations in which I gave my hundred percent, I always tried my best for the people close to me. When they needed a friend or someone who would listen, I was always there for them, even at their worst. From my perspective, I probably didn't make any mistakes. Because I can sell my soul for the people, I care about most. But the world is not what we think. It's completely opposite. I'm not counting my Favors. I did what a friend should do. But whenever I faced bad times, I always found myself alone. Even after doing so much for others, if today I am completely alone at my worst, then from today onwards I have no problem in staying alone. I am better without them.

Yes, I know it's my habit to never count on anyone when I need help. I never ask for anything from anyone. But at least I can hope from the people to whom I gave the emotional support. Yes, I feel it every time, maybe I never show what hurts me deep inside, but no one asked me. Most of the time I thought maybe I should let it go. But then I thought how could I forget that I was always available to them when they needed me and they abandoned me when I needed them the most. But I just want to say thank you to those people who asked me from time to time whether I was okay or not, from whom I did not expect too much. I know these are little things but these things matter the most. And I'm being honest so yes, I feel blessed that after all this mess and shit that's happened, there are people who are still with me. They're not just people, they're homies. I am so thankful and grateful to have them in my life.

 

For the last two or three years this life was like a burden to me, I always felt anxious, stressed or another day was like having a new amazing mental breakdown. Because I think I've forgotten how to live in this daily upside down. My daily schedule was so hectic that at one point I wondered why I was living like this. But today I feel that the person who has to go has to go, but the one who stays behind is left behind and loses to willpower. Losing someone close leaves you empty inside, and when do you feel the pain? When your injuries are invisible. Yes, I get scared when I think of making a new bond because I don't want to lose then, but I know that one day they will be gone and I will be left behind.

Maybe I didn't want to lose him. Because he was the only person whom I blindly trusted that he would never leave me and would never break our friendship. At that time, I did not feel it so deeply. But gradually with time I have started missing him more than I could have imagined. Every time I open my phone, check my phone calls there is no call from him, open my Instagram there is not a single message from him, not even random reels, no 12 o'clock birthday texts on WhatsApp, no snaps on Snapchat, no memes tags on Facebook. Yes, I miss all those little things. Whenever I met him, he was very excited, like let's go here, let's go there. Come on, eat this, eat that. Let's click pictures for memories. Yes, he left me and everyone else. But he gave me a lot of memories and happiness that I never forget. Sometimes I feel like if I share these things with anyone, I know everyone will be sympathetic towards me, give me some suggestions like with time everything will be fine and no one will come back etc. etc. and I know that no one will come back and nothing will be fixed and after a time everything will go back to normal and I wish it happens soon. But still, no one will be able to take his place. But damn those panic attacks. I wish we had more time.

 

Sometimes this roller-coaster of all these thoughts and emotions leaves my mind blank. And seriously, I don't feel anything anymore even if I wanted to. It feels like I've lost all my emotions. Yes, I also want to apologize to those people for whom I could not be a good friend. And perhaps my mental condition was not good that I kept everyone away from me. This year I realized a lot of things that I never expected. I really lived my life happily with a free mind. And now it feels like life is too short if you really want to do something. Just do what you want to do, don't think twice and never regret for things that have already been done. Just go with the flow. Because we are always stuck between the past and the future. The past is gone and the future which has no idea that tomorrow we will exist or not so don’t think too much.

 

You know at one point of time in my life I already get what I always wanted but at that time it was too late. I lost so much at that time that I no longer had the desire to get anything. I never thought I would be able to overcome from that person but I let it go. I always wondered what if I lose my feeling for that person, what if I wake up the next morning and feel nothing for him. I was so afraid of my feelings that I never wanted to lose him even without getting him. But I never thought that I would fall in love with him in his absence. But in reality, it was not scary in fact it was full of peace. I finally let it go and I think it's the best decision I've made. I don't need a lot of people in my life anymore. Yes, I like meeting new people but I don't want any kind of attachment with them. Because eventually every attachment will leave you alone. And the pain will be unbearable.

 

Yes, sometimes I feel that I wish I had a person apart from this crowd who would have both love and friendship. Where I find peace, where I feel right that yes, this is my place. Where I don't have to think twice about what will happen next because I want to feel every moment. With whom one feels like home. Where I can feel safe and calm. With whom I can sit for a moment, an hour, a day or a lifetime but still it feels like for the first time. Because with him all my pain and sorrow will feel lighter. No, I don't want expensive dates or materialistic things. I just want that one person where I feel like if everyone leaves me one day, he will always stand by me. No, I don't need love at first sight. Because things like this don't really happen practically, but love is the seed that slowly grows where we can learn something from each other. Where we may have small and big fights but still, he is the peace of every tiredness.

 

 

I know things take time, and yes, I can wait a little longer. No regrets from 2023, now I am free from my own mess that I created in my mind a long time ago, a lot of confusion, pain, fear but now I am free from all those mess, I am free from my mind. Now I know how to live life without regrets, just try your best because life is too short.

I am leaving this year with mental peace and seriously I don’t want to expect anything from next year. Because expectations are curse. And the peace I have now, was worth everything I lost.

I know I didn’t get time to write anything, and I guess I didn’t read a single book in this year nor did I make any painting for my collection because I got stuck between job, college, coaching and exams. From 7 in the morning to 11 at night, my life was like a racing car. And apart from all this, my personal life was becoming hell. But for the first time I thought about myself. I did what I wanted to do. And now I’m thinking that I need to work on my second book soon. I don’t know what I’m going to write. But I hope this will be the result of my peace.

 :- SNEHA SAJWAN 

 You are never too old to start over.

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